Bullying: A Guide for Parents

Dr. Eric Rossen

Bullying has become a concern for many parents. Whether your child is classified as a victim, bully, or witness/bystander, bullying can lead to a number of physical, academic, and social-emotional difficulties. Many schools have developed programs to increase partnerships between teachers, parents, and students to reduce bullying behavior, and most states have even signed legislation that addresses bullying and student violence. Despite these efforts, however, some research says that bullying has actually increased in the last decade with as many as 3 out of 4 students having been bullied at some point during school hours. While schools need to continue to work against bullying behavior, it has become increasingly important for parents to become knowledgeable, involved, and engaged in helping their children put a stop to bullying.

What is Bullying?

Bullying is a pattern of repeated, deliberate, and largely unprovoked actions with the intent to harm another individual or group of individuals, and can be either direct or indirect. Direct bullying is overt, aggressive behavior including physical and verbal aggression, teasing or name calling, taunting, threatening, and hitting. Indirect bullying (often called relational aggression) consists of covert, harmful behaviors that may include ridiculing, spreading rumors, intentional exclusion and social isolation, and writing graffiti about another child.

Cyber-bullying is a new form of bullying that has emerged from a growth in technology and use of the internet among children and youth. Cyber bullying includes sending mean or threatening electronic messages or images, posting sensitive and private information about someone on a website, or pretending to be someone else in order to make that person look bad or spread rumors. This kind of bullying can occur through many media outlets, such as e-mail, cell phones, web pages, chat rooms, social networking sites (e.g, Facebook or Myspace), and instant messaging.

The Effects of Bullying

Bullying has negative consequences for all individuals involved. Victims can experience humiliation, anxiety, depression, insecurity, loneliness, absenteeism and drop-out, peer rejection, decreased academic performance, and a general negative attitude toward school. Bullies are harmed as well. Studies show that bullies experience higher levels of depression, anxiety, and criminal behavior as adults.

Bullying and ADHD

Children with ADHD are more likely to become involved in bullying incidents. Much has been learned in recent years about the numerous concerns that frequently co-occur with ADHD, including difficulties with peer relationships, anti-social and impulsive behavior, aggression, impaired self-concept, and even depression. These characteristics place children with ADHD at significantly increased risk for either bullying behavior or victimization, or both. Hyperactive and impulsive children, for example, may develop a pattern of bullying smaller, weaker children. Conversely, other children with ADHD who are shy, withdrawn, or less socially connected often become the victims of bullying.

Misconceptions about Bullying

There are several misconceptions about bullying:

•  Only boys are bullies

 Many believe bullying is mostly a male problem because they only view direct bullying as legitimate bullying behavior. While it is true that males do engage in direct bullying more often than females do, recent literature has actually shown that both males and females experience nearly equal rates of relational aggression, bullying, and victimization.

• Bullying is a "part of growing up"

It is common to hear statements from adults such as, “I was bullied when I was growing up, and I turned out just fine. It helped toughen me up.” Just because bullying is common, or some adults have not been significantly affected by past experiences of bullying, does not mean that it is desirable or developmentally appropriate. Students who are bullies or victims are much more likely to experience a wide array of emotional, behavioral, and academic problems in school as well as higher levels of school drop-out and absenteeism.

• Children will outgrow aggressive behavior as they get older

It is true that bullying increases into middle school and then decreases through high school, probably due to the lessening impact of “peer pressure.” However, those who bully while in school are more likely to experience problems as adults. For example, up to 60% of boys characterized as bullies in grades 6 – 9 will have at least one criminal conviction by age 24, and 40% of those identified as bullies will have three or more arrests by age 30.

• Bullies suffer from low self-esteem

No research has supported this idea. In fact, many have found that bullies have high self-esteem.

• Bullying is more likely to occur to and from school rather than at school

Bullying does occur during unsupervised times, such as during transition in the hallway, lunch, recess, and at the bus stop. However, one of the highest rates of bullying occurs in classrooms.

• Bullies will go away if you ignore them

This is generally not the case. Students tend to bully others in an attempt to obtain power over another due to such factors as age, size, support of the peer group, or higher social status. Students who are quiet, withdrawn, and passive tend to be targets for bullies because they convey an image that others can display power over them.

• Victims should fight fire with fire and retaliate

While all children have the right to defend themselves, no adult should condone the use of violence or retaliation to solve problems. Although a child may temporarily lose their status as a target by “fighting back”, they are put at risk to be physically hurt and learn a maladaptive way to resolve conflicts.

What Parents Can Do to Decrease Bullying Behavior

Many schools have had limited success in reducing bullying, and previously suggested interventions (ignore the bully or fight back) are usually ineffective. So the natural question to ask as a parent is, “What can I do to help?” Here are some guidelines to consider.

If your child is the victim of bullying

• Listen to your child. Having a person they trust is critical for them to deal with some of the emotional distress that comes with victimization.
• Initiate conversations about bullying. Many children are often afraid to bring it up themselves to their parents for numerous reasons, such as fear of disappointment, embarrassment, or fear that their parents may actually make the situation worse for them.
• Talk with your child and show interest in his/her school life. By being aware of your child’s normal everyday routines and functioning, you will be more attuned to any sudden changes or stress.
• Encourage children to report incidents of bullying, despite fears that others will view it as “tattling”.
• Don’t promise to keep the bullying a secret, but reassure them that you will help them out. Knowing that you will act on their behalf in some way will help them feel less afraid.
• Express strong disapproval of bullying when it occurs or is discussed, but do not blame your child if they are the target of bullying. Even if your child is withdrawn, shy, and introverted, they do not deserve to be bullied. Express to them that it is not their fault.
• Discuss with your child what happened and how they reacted. This is an opportunity to process the situation and give some ideas about what to do should it happen again. Consider role-playing a bullying situation so they can practice.
• Encourage the use of assertiveness over aggression in response to bullying. While ignoring is often ineffective, so is physical retaliation. Using assertive body language (e.g., steady eye contact, squared shoulders) and tone of voice is often the preferred and most effective way a victim can counteract bullying.
• Consider individual or small group counseling that:
• Provides intensive skill training in assertiveness, problem-solving, conflict resolution, and verbal and nonverbal communication.
• Allows an opportunity to process and practice strategies to deal with bullying behaviors and help prevent future incidents
• Replaces passive and aggressive behaviors with more assertive ones
• Provides an opportunity to hear from others who have had similar experiences

If your child is a bully

•  Ask to be notified if your child becomes involved in an incident. Bullying behavior is not acceptable and should not be tolerated
• Certain punishments or restrictions may be effective in teaching your child that there are consequences to their behavior. Consider such consequences as:
•  time-out,
• loss of privileges,
• assignment of unfavorable activities (chores),
• having them write an apology to the victim(s),
• a weekend of community service or volunteering, etc.

However, using aggressive means of punishment for bullying is, in a sense, fighting fire with fire. Screaming, corporal punishment, and long-term groundings may temporarily stop the behavior, but teaches your child that aggression is a viable way to problem solve. Instead, talk to your child about bullying, what your expectations are for their behavior, and positive or negative consequences for meeting or not meeting those expectations in the future.

• Talk to your child about empathy, or the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes.
• Monitor your child’s social network. Bullying tends to increase and decrease as the influence of peer pressure increases and decreases.
• Talk regularly with your child about on-line activities he or she is involved in. Consider installing parental control filtering software if you feel your child is visiting websites where bullying may occur.
• Consider individual or small group counseling that:
• Provides skill training in conflict resolution, communication, socially appropriate behavior, and empathy
• Addresses any concerns related to anger management, aggression, and impulsivity
• Replaces aggressive behaviors with more pro-social ones
• *Note – pairing bullies with victims in a group is generally not a good idea. If your child has had experience both as a bully and as a victim, individual psychotherapy may be more suitable for their needs

How can parents work with the child’s school to control bullying?

• Ask teachers and administrators about school policies for handling bullying incidents. Ask for a written copy of the policies. Maryland and Virginia both have comprehensive anti-bullying laws. Further, Maryland and DC are among only 10 states that have laws protecting from bullying related to sexual orientation and gender identity.
• Coordinate with the school on how bullying incidents will be handled. To no surprise, children respond best when there is consistency between the home and school environments, especially as it relates to behavioral consequences.
• Offer assistance to the school by volunteering your time to serve as a playground supervisor, hall monitor, or classroom assistant.

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